A Family and Infertility

Infertility could lead a couple to getting a divorce. When I have told people about the journey that my husband and I have been on I will often tell them that I am so grateful that we have always looks at this struggle as something that we are going through together and it was never one persons fault, it was just something that we had to work through just like any other marital problem you could face. The inability to have children so far has really brought us closer together as we have struggled together. This could have been something that really tore us apart or made us resent the other person. I am so grateful that this was never a thought that I, or my husband had.  Most people who get divorced later will say that they wished they would have stayed and worked on the marriage and stayed together. This could be for a variety of reasons, but I think that most people realize that they could of had it so good if they would have just worked a little bit harder. No marriage is easy a...

Parenting is no easy task. When struggling to start a family it is hard not to judge and ponder what kind of parent you will be and how you want to raise your kids. You might fantasize about all the moments you might one day have with your children. You might even find yourself watching other parents with upset children and wish anything that you could have an upset child with you. The reality is that no matter how long you think about those situations when you are finally there it isn't any easier than you might have once thought. There are so many things we can do to prepare for parenthood and no matter your circumstance they are important things to do. There are so many types of situations that you will run into as a parent and each one will take practice and patience on your part.  One thing that I think is important to think about is that as parent you will make mistakes. That is inevitable. But what you do after that mistake could make all the difference. Something that could...

Communication. It is so vital and necessary. But the silly thing is that we as humans aren't all that great at it. There is a formula for communication. Words make up only 14%, Tone makes up 35% and Non-Verbal makes up a whopping 51%. Non-verbal makes up just more than half of effective communicating, yet so often we only use words by things such as texting and that is only 14% of the formula. This is why it is so easy to misunderstand and be misunderstood over text.  Communication isn't just being effective in the way you share thoughts and feelings it is also being an effective listener. It is important that when you share a thought or feeling that the person you are sharing with responds or gives feedback in some way. This is the only way that you know your message was received and that it was correct. Sometimes we can share something and it may be misunderstood. When we receive feedback we have the opportunity to correct misinterpreted messages. We can also feel comfort and...

Stress. Stress is really hard. T here are so many things in life that can bring us stress. Often times when people say that they are stressed or that they are experiencing stress there's often a negative connotation that we attached to that word. In reality, stress is a good thing. I know that sounds crazy. Stress, good? No way. The truth is that having stress strengthens us. Every day we put stress on our bodies, this builds our muscle mass and bone density. This is why the number one concern for astronauts is after they come back they become weak because they've been living in an environment with no stress on their bodies. This suggests that stress is good. But how do we cope with stress? Or how do we make it so we don't let this stress turn into distress. Distress is the feeling of when we perceive that there is no escape from the danger that we are facing. Our bodies are so cool and when we sense a danger our limbic system takes over and increases our heartrates and bre...

Intimacy is a very intimidating word. When I think of intimacy I think of being close and open with someone and that be challenging at times. When you are going through any trial it can be easy to compare your situation to other peoples. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? But typically when we are focusing on something else we often neglect what is right in front of us.  When facing infertility, someone could blame their spouse if there was something medically wrong that could be prohibiting a pregnancy. You could think that if you just were with someone else then you could have what you want, a child. You might start to look at other people or past relationships and think that if you were just with them then you might not be in this situation. The truth is that trials and struggles can really help a relationship to grow stronger. In my marriage we have always viewed our situation in the way that we were both experiencing it together and equally. We have noticed ...

It can be so hard to see the blessings when going through infertility. It can feel at times that nothing is working out and you really have to be patient. It feels like you are waiting and waiting and there is no light at the end of that tunnel. But there are so many things that we can learn as we are waiting and being patient.  It can be a blessing to know that it is going to take some time to get all the medical things lined up before having a baby. This time gives you the chance to prepare. We can prepare in many ways. One way is preparing our living space. We make tentative arrangements are brainstorm ideas of where we would put a baby.  The next things that we can do is prepare our relationship. Most people know that a relationship changes a lot after having a baby. You are exhausted and emotionally drained often that it can be difficult to do things for yourself and your relationship after having a baby. Some people observe that marital satisfaction is highest in the "ho...

Dating in Marriage? What? You mean to tell me that after you have gone through all the work to date and get to know someone and then eventually marry them, you still have to date them?  Yep! That is exactly what I mean. What does dating even mean and why is it important? There are many ways to define a date. In today's world it has become very common to just hang out. This often takes the pressure off, and you feel like you can be more yourself.  But are there drawbacks to this? Yes! When you are going dates with someone you are often paired off. This allows you to have conversations one on one with this person. This often doesn't happen with hanging out because you have other people around to bounce conversation off. When you are paired off that person becomes responsible for you for that time, and it can show you how they would take care of you if you were in a defined relationship. This also means that you are responsible for that person as a relationship goes both ways...

Men. Women. Are we really all that different? If we are, or aren't, why does it even matter? We have all heard the sayings that male and female brains are wired differently. This is in fact true. Men have more gray matter in their brains and women have more white matter. Gray matter helps the men to be able to hyper focus on one task at a time and the white matter helps women to move between many tasks very quickly at a time. This can cause complications in a marriage. Men's mind are storages for boxes, and everything has a box and they can only open and look at one box at a time. Women are often compared to a ball of wire where everything is connected to everything, and they can go back and forth between everything without putting something else away. This difference in thinking can cause a husband and a wife to argue and become frustrated with one another. This can make it difficult to communicate about how you are feeling and knowing that you are being understood. When a cou...

Money, money, money.  Its quite an important thing but can cause such heartache at the same time. Money in a family can really change the way a family functions and interacts within itself. We often assume that families who do not have a lot of money struggle more than families who do have a lot of money. This is true in many cases.  Typically families who have a low SES, or socioeconomic status, are more at risk for certain things than others. Low income families typically do not have access to same opportunities than high income families. This can mean better opportunity for schooling and education or maybe even more connections to people to help you climb up that ladder of success.  Money truly does dictate many things in our lives and can almost make or break us.  When wanting to start a family a lot of people will consider their financial state and they will make a decision on whether they think they can afford to have a child so that they can insure that the ch...

Boundaries. What are they and why do they matter? Salvador Minuchin developed a way of communicating what he was observing about families. He created symbols and a way of drawing out the relationships between families. He observed mainly three types of boundaries. The first one was rigid boundaries where little was shared between systems. The next type that he observed was Permeable or clear. This is where a healthy amount of information sharing is going on between the systems. And the last one is poor or unclear boundaries where too much information is shared between systems.  This can be explained by this picture of houses.  The house with the blue walls up around it represents the rigid boundaries. Not much can get in or out of those boundaries. The house in the middle represents the unclear boundaries where information can freely leave and there is really no containing it. The house with the green boundaries represents the clear boundaries and this is where some informatio...

There is more science involved in families than I think we care to admit. Recently I have been learning a lot about family science. I have discovered trends, data, biases, theories... and the list continues. Family is such a personal and emotional word and unit that it can be difficult to look at the science behind it. When a couple is struggling with infertility, science is really the only thing they can think about. They might ask themselves things like, Am I taking enough vitamins? How do I calculate ovulation? When does implantation happen? What diet should I be on to increase chances of pregnancy? And many other questions will always be running through their brains. Science surrounds us in our every day lives and most of the time we don't even realize it.  When taking about family science specifically it is important to make sure that it is good science. It is so easy to find an article or study that is falsified or reported incorrectly. It is difficult to sift through all the...

  Hi, my name is Makayla Andrus. For couples struggling with infertility it can be hard to define or determine what a family is or what it means to them. For the last 18 months my husband I have personally felt this pain and struggle. I write to bring answers and comfort to those facing these same or similar challenges.