Communication in Marriage

Communication. It is so vital and necessary. But the silly thing is that we as humans aren't all that great at it. There is a formula for communication. Words make up only 14%, Tone makes up 35% and Non-Verbal makes up a whopping 51%. Non-verbal makes up just more than half of effective communicating, yet so often we only use words by things such as texting and that is only 14% of the formula. This is why it is so easy to misunderstand and be misunderstood over text. 

Communication isn't just being effective in the way you share thoughts and feelings it is also being an effective listener. It is important that when you share a thought or feeling that the person you are sharing with responds or gives feedback in some way. This is the only way that you know your message was received and that it was correct. Sometimes we can share something and it may be misunderstood. When we receive feedback we have the opportunity to correct misinterpreted messages. We can also feel comfort and love with the person we are sharing with. When things are shared between two people and they are both being understood that creates a bond between them. 

It is really easy when in conflict to throw reason and help out the window and just be stuck in your little box of you're right and the other person is wrong, or your idea is better than theirs. At this point in a conversation is when nothing is really being done to help. This is when we may start to fixate on the negatives we see in a person. The truth begins to fade and all we see is what we want to see. 

David Burns came up with the 5 Secrets of Effective Communication. These 5 secrets could change your marriage if you let them. The first secret is the disarming technique. This is when you find the truth in what someone is saying even when it seems totally unreasonable and unfair. The second secret is empathy, when you put yourself in their shoes and try to see the world through their eyes. There is thought empathy and feeling empathy. Thought empathy is when you paraphrase what the other person is saying and feeling empathy is when you acknowledge how they might be feeling based on what they have said. The first three secrets are all listening skills. The last two secrets are self-expression skills. The fourth secret is "I feel" statements, this is when you say things like "I feel upset" instead of "You are making me angry". The last secret is stroking, this is when you find something genuinely positive to say to the other person. Even when in the thick of things you convey respect even though you may be angry. 

These five secrets are not always easy to use. It is also important to note that you can use them out of order but you MUST use all five in order for it to be effective. 

Communication is so important in any relationship. Regardless of whether or not you are facing infertility communication is important. Infertility requires a lot of communication between spouses. You need to know what your spouse is thinking and feeling so you can be there for them. It is an extremely hard trial to go through and no one should go through it alone or shift through their own thoughts and feelings alone. 

Something important about communication is that it should be done in person when ever possible. We know that 51% of effective communication is non-verbal. When having a conversation about anything really but especially heavy topics those should be reserved for in person. This will allow you to comfort your spouse and be able get the whole message rather than just parts. This takes time and practice. Be patient and this will change your life.