Boundaries in Family

Boundaries. What are they and why do they matter? Salvador Minuchin developed a way of communicating what he was observing about families. He created symbols and a way of drawing out the relationships between families. He observed mainly three types of boundaries. The first one was rigid boundaries where little was shared between systems. The next type that he observed was Permeable or clear. This is where a healthy amount of information sharing is going on between the systems. And the last one is poor or unclear boundaries where too much information is shared between systems. 

This can be explained by this picture of houses. 

The house with the blue walls up around it represents the rigid boundaries. Not much can get in or out of those boundaries. The house in the middle represents the unclear boundaries where information can freely leave and there is really no containing it. The house with the green boundaries represents the clear boundaries and this is where some information can go in and out but its not too much or too little. 

This is how boundaries work in family systems. 

The green dashed line represents the family system. The blue circle represents the parents, and the red circles represent the children. This would be an example of a healthy family system. All of the boundaries between all the systems are clear. 

When our boundaries become unclear or rigid that can create conflict. When a parents shares too much with a child or when they don't share anything at all it can create stress for that child. This is also true within a parent relationship or any relationship for that matter. 

When talking about infertility it is such a sensitive subject that often times couples dealing with that will develop very rigid boundaries with loved ones in their lives. This can make it difficult for others to offer support to the ones they care about. On the flip side there are some people who are very unclear about their boundaries and they might share too much information and that could make the relationship strain due to awkwardness. 

Most people don't really know how to respond when you explain that you are going through the heart wrenching difficultly of infertility. When we have those clear boundaries and we share only the information that we are comfortable with, it can allow others the opportunity to offer their support and love for us. 

We must also be careful of the people who have very unclear boundaries as they could ask very probing questions about the situation and that could make things awkward if your boundaries limit you from sharing that information. We can handle those situations with tact and be respectful of the curiosity while still maintaining our comfortable boundary between us. 

Another thing to remember when discussing boundaries is being aware that within a relationship one party may have different boundaries than the other. For example if the husband would prefer very rigid boundaries with outside people but the wife would rather have clear boundaries this can create conflict within the relationship. It is so important to have a discussion with your loved one about the things that you will share with outside people. If one person shares something that makes the other uncomfortable it can be so hurtful and with already dealing with the pain that infertility brings there is no need to add more. A couple should really be a united front when attacking this trial. It could even be something that brings you closer in your relationship as you approach this as one powerful force against the hand you've been dealt.